It’s Valentine’s day. The commercial day for proving you love someone(s). It’s cliche now but I want to dedicate today to loving myself. Proving to myself that after all the heartbreak, I still love myself.
Because I don’t act like it. In a relationship, I would be deemed the neglectful, abusive partner at times. Constantly putting myself down, telling myself I’m not worthy, not trusting myself. It’s the equivalent of second guessing a partner; constantly questioning them; and then hating their choices. It’s the equivalent of looking at your partner naked and laughing before pointing out all their flaws.
It’s emotional abuse. It’s cruel.
But it’s okay, somehow, because it’s us doing it to ourselves? No. Not at all.
I do love you, Siana, I do. Sometimes it’s really deep down, but I think I’m getting better at showing you love. Showing up for you. I have that Big Sister voice trained now, which I use to cheer you on when you’re scared or tired or unmotivated.
You got this, kid! You can do it! Keep going!
Words of affirmation are a love language. As a writer, words mean a lot to me. But I don’t use them well enough on myself sometimes. I use my words to scold and worry. I use my big imagination to visualise a life that I’ve personally messed up for myself.
I love you enough to try to stop that now.
If we were in a relationship, which we are, I would have a lot of things to answer for. A lot of promises to keep. A lot of love to give, finally.
Touch is another love language, and I promise to self-massage, move our body, and caress you in the ways you need and deserve. Gifts, another love language, alongside acts of service and quality time. I promise to give you treats now and then purely because I love you without guilt or worrying about money. To do things for you that you’ll thank your past self for, like meal prep, trying up, exercise. To spend quality time just us, doing what we love, indulging in our delights just for the sake of it.
I will love you enough to not question your curiosities.
I will love you enough to support your dreams.
I will love you enough to keep writing no matter what.
I will love you enough to let you open yourself up to love from others without fear of being judged or hurt.
I will love you enough to stop replaying the soundtrack of your past to remind you of every mistake and failure.
I will love you enough to never let you feel alone again.
I will love you enough to eat better and move this wonderful body we have for once it’s destroyed, there’s no going back.
I will love you enough to let you bloody rest when you need it without judging you for it or reminding you of your to do list.
I will love you enough to stop you from comparing yourself to others who have very different lives to ours.
I will love you enough to remind you everyday what a goddamn super star you are for waking up and trying even when you just want to stay in bed.
I will love you enough to keep hope and faith in my heart.l, not just fear and scepticism.
I will love you. I do love you. I always did. I was just scared before. Scared of a difficult life. Scared of sadness and fear. Scared of loss. Scared of pain. Scared of all the things you felt in abundance so young. I tried to protect you, but all I’ve done is neglect you, and I’m so sorry for that.
I’m so sorry.
Love always, infinitely, ferociously,
S. xx
S. R. Crawford 