Life & Stuff · Mental Health

Journal Entry on Rising Anxiety

I think right now I just don’t feel grounded at all. Like my foundations are tectonic plates shifting. It’ll either cause mountains of beauty … or an erupting volcano or a straight up earthquake. I don’t know which. I don’t feel in control of the outcome.

It’s overwhelming, confusing, tiring, discombobulating, and has caused a flare in my general anxiety and overthinking.

What’s causing this? I ask myself…

Work is still very new to me and things keep changing so there’s little stability and clarity when going into work, not truly knowing what my role is each day. So many emails, tasks, things to remember, check ups and of course online learning is horrible and I have new students – it’s a lot.

Then there’s wanting to move house. Not feeling safe and settled here. The trouble of moving all our stuff; pressure to pick a good place and neighbourhood this time around. The fear of not finding a suitable place. Fear of feeling stuck here indefinitely.

A home is crucial to wellbeing and that’s just not good right now. We can only hope we move soon and it’s the right choice so I can do my 2021 motto and root down, settle in, get grounded.

Of course, the world isn’t normal right now. No cinema for fun and to get out of the house regularly. No meet ups with friends. No regular mom and grandparent visits and cuddles. No meals out or random date nights to let off steam.

Everything can’t be perfect or even good at once but surely it’s not too much to ask for one foundation to feel good and stable?!

Patrick and Joey are great but the engagement and familial pressures still freak me out. I feel rushed and older than I feel. Like my life is on fast-forward and all laid out for me by other people.

I’m just a puppet being pulled this way and that. Somehow pulled tight at the strings, strangled, and at the same time, cut loose, floating on violent winds, untethered…

These were my thoughts in my journal today. I share these in the hope that someone else out there knows they’re not alone. I think everyone feels a least a little lost right now, whether it’s specifically about the pandemic or just in life in general. It’s a hard time of year anyway, let’s not forget, never mind in the middle of a global crisis.

I’m trying to give myself some compassion and grace. Do what I can but don’t overload myself. Speak up to those around me so that they can help. And breathing through it all…

Sending you love and guidance in these times.

Sincerely,

S. xx

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