Birthday Reflection: Season 30, Episode 1

I’m turning 30 in a few days and I’m told to feel scared. Told it means something. This number with a 3 at the front is a whole new terrain for me. A new season of life. A gravitational shift; a tilt in my axis. Will the sun shine brighter from this angle, or will I be left in shadow?

There’s only one way to find out.

Since taking antidepressants, I’ve calmed the storm of my mind. Suddenly, turning 30 didn’t mean as much to me. I welcomed it. Joked about it. Realised my 20s were done and thank god for that because it was hard for me. Not a playground of experience and confidence building, instead trial and error and error and error and pain and frustration and anxiety and… and…

No, I’m glad that season is over. Time for new character arcs and plot lines and settings. New magic and politics and full HD colour. I’m ready for a fresh start. I’m aching for it.

I’ve learned a lot in my 20s though, and I’m grateful for every moment. Some of my peers born in 1994/1995 weren’t afforded the same luxury.

I’ve learned to wear my pain and my shame on the sleeve of my shirt to let others take a look. Let others compare their pain to mine. Let others say, “hey, me too.”

I’ve learned that there’s no one I need to impress because no one is wasting their time sitting around thinking about how well I’m doing in life. They’ve no time for all that when there’s too much self-dissection to be doing.

I’ve learned that I like dresses and skirts and boots and trainers and blazers with hoodies underneath and long jackets and leather and quirky earrings.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to tend to your needs. There are no awards for struggling more than you need to.

I’ve learned that I’m average. I’m not special. I am good at some things but average or bad at most others and that’s okay. It’s good enough to try. It’s good enough to be good at a handful of things.

I’ve learned that I’m capable of more than I thought. That I can make my dreams come true. That my mind has always been my biggest limit.

I’ve learned that I’m funny and people like me and I have interesting things to say and people want to hear me say them.

I’ve learned which foods and people agree with me and which don’t. What needn’t take up a big portion of my time and energy. That feeling good with the right food and people and places is way better in the long run than wasting time and money on the wrong things.

I’m sure I could sit and list a plethora of things I’ve learned, some funny (like how to embarrass myself in Japan by saying konnichiwa instead of Arigatou after receiving my food), some profound (like cherishing the moments with loved ones before you lose them/your relationship with them), but I’ll stop here. My reflections are for my journal.

Let’s just say I’ve grown, and that’s a decade well-spent.

Do I now go ahead and write a 40 before 40 list? No, I think not.

Do I now give up on dreams and goals set in my 20s? Absolutely not.

Do I now rush and panic about arbitrary societal norms and expectations of one’s 30s? Let’s not go there again.

What I want for episode 1 of this season is a greater sense of peace. An acceptance of this new milestone. A gratitude for the lessons learned. To walk with confidence and experience into this decade, shoulders squared, chest puffed out, garbed in armour and ready.

Or better yet, wearing a flowery springtime dress, barefoot dancing in the meadow of this decade knowing everything is as it should be. There are no fights to be fought; no battles to be won.

I am free. I am safe. I am enough.

Season 30, what have you in store for me? Hmm? More growth, I’m sure. More bravery, I hope. More blessings, I pray.

Sincerely,

S. xx