Chapter 27 – birthday rumination

So it’s here. My birthday. Chapter 27.

I don’t feel badly about turning 27. It’s just a number and one that doesn’t carry much significance. I feel excited if anything. With each new year, I feel a renewed sense of confidence. A year older, a year bolder they say. And I do feel more confident lately. I want to bring that into my year and the years to come.

However, I can’t pretend I don’t hear the monstrous snarl of 30 crawling over the hill. It’s stalking me. Red eyes and flared nostrils, ready to take me into adulthood. Real adulthood. The one with responsibilities that you can’t go a day without. Can’t take a day off from paying your mortgage. Can’t take a day off from being married. Can’t take a day off from being a parenthood. For the beast of 3-0 is the siren cry of motherhood for me. It’s when I can’t turn my back any longer. I’ll have to take the leap and I just can’t imagine that right now. A positive pregnancy test is the last thing I’d want right now.

At the moment, all I can think about is graduation, making more money, and having travel experiences. These things are scary, too, but in a different way. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Please let me know, when I get there? Let me know what I want and what I have the strength to handle. I don’t want to be a mother filled with doubt. It’s not fair or good for anybody…

But I digress, 27 itself is a number. One I’ll use for only one year, never to use again in relation to my time on earth. That’s…daunting? Motivating? The truth is it can be anything I want it to be. The same is true for you. I can decide that 27 is old and give in to that label. I can decide my time of doing shit is over and just “settle down” – whatever the eff that means?! Or I can keep living, keep doing what I’m doing. Or I can panic about the ticking of time and become reckless and do crazy shit just to make sure I don’t waste what I have left of my 20s.

All of these seem like the wrong choice.

I mean maybe chapter 27 is about depth of character. To stop branching out and going wide, desperately grasping at random things and hoping they’ll stick. Instead go deeper into the things I already like or am intrigued by? Root down.

One thing I do know is chapter 27 is about being less confused about who I am. Less unsure and angry and scared. To know, love, and nurture myself.

That means doing things at least 20% more confidently than previous years! To do the thing because I want to, end of story.

I’m excited to share my journey with you. I hope chapter 27 is one worth experiencing and reading. Whatever happens, it’s all coming together to make one beautiful novel with many pages and chapters and plot twists along the way. I will make it so.

I will write it all.


S. xx

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