Life & Stuff · Thinking Out Loud

Journal Entry: My 6 Month Transformation

6 months ago, I said to myself that I wanted to turn things around. 2019 wasn’t my best year, and so I wanted to end it in a better position than when I started; to start 2020 off well and basically have my shit together before turning 25.

And I did just that.

This note is from my phone. It’s what I listed for myself 6 months ago. I was unemployed, overweight, project-less book-wise, unmotivated, unsure, lost…

Skip forward to now and everything is different. Minus the whole quarantine thing, life is good. It’s positive. By no means perfect, but a ghost of what it was 6 months ago. I feel like a whole new person. Cliche or dramatic, you may say, but wholly true the more I think about it.

Why? How so?

 

The main thing is money. No, I do not believe that money is everything. That we should live by money or put our value and self-worth in money. However, financial security, awareness and health are oh so important.

Not being able to afford, well, anything, is no way to live. I don’t like leaning on other people. I like to bring something to the table myself and have that independence, too. Plus, the constant struggle; the anal checking of your bank account, and not knowing if you’ll make it to payday, and borrowing often is just exhausting. Not to mention, for me, that’s not what my ideal self looks like. Not my grown-up, 25 badass bitch self!

I’ve had two jobs since writing that note. One in a shop, the other being my new one in a school. I chose to level-up. I chose to not let that store be my final destination. I was so grateful to the store for bringing an income back into my life, getting me out of the house and helping me make friends. It gave me back my confidence. Then, once I got what I needed from there, I sought an out. And the school job provided.

Or rather, the universe did.

I went looking, and the universe gave me an opportunity. Thankfully, I was brave enough to take it. It’s changed my life. When the schools reopen, I’ll be back on track for what is hopefully a new, fulfilling and long-lasting chapter of my life, whilst also providing financial stability.

 

And the weight! No, I wasn’t large. I am lucky to have good metabolism in general. After changing my contraception in 2017, I gained over a stone in weight…very quickly. Other women know how contraception sucks in this respect, alongside mood swings and the imbalance of hormones… yeah, not great.

My family thought I was pregnant, but I was exactly the opposite! Their jokes were hard to hear.

Shifting that weight was difficult. I wasn’t used to having it. The weight came through little fault of my own and changed the way I saw myself. Funnily enough, only in being less obsessed with losing the weight did I finally shift it. No gym, just walking. In 2019, we got a puppy and he kept us active. That, alongside more intentional eating (not dieting, ever!) and jogging over the summer, I slowly lost the weight. I am now just past the mark in the healthy green zone for my height and age now.

 

In October, I started studying again. I won’t go too much into it because I already did a blog post on my decision to study. But this was huge, too. Taking this step meant so much and I felt so afraid. Fast-forward to now and I’m almost done for the year! 1 month left. And I’ve been really good at it. I’ve got consistently good grades. I’ve felt semi-confident. I’ve felt happy! How great is that?

 

And I wanted to feel like me again.

Who am I? Why didn’t I feel like me?

Well, I don’t like to be sad, unmotivated and unproductive. I don’t like drifting every day, feeling useless or like I’m wasting my potential. I have a lot to offer, and so not offering it feels wrong to me!

But now I feel like me again. Giving and helping in schools. Confidently publishing content. Exploring ideas for stories. Being able to move my body without restriction or self-loathing. Knowing what I want and what I’m doing. Knowing what I’m capable of. Knowing my worth and providing it. Studying and learning about things that interest me and make me better. Exploring myself. Deep seeking and journeying. Just…yeah, good vibes!

 

I may not have finished a manuscript in the 6 months as I wanted. And with the pandemic, of course, I haven’t been able to go abroad! But they’re small things. Perhaps the easiest to do in the next 6 months to come (providing the world goes back to normal!)

So yeah, 6 months can change a lot. Ups and downs but balance and transformation, if you work at it and act with intention and set those goals and put it out into the universe.

I hope I remember this, next time I feel lost (because we all do now and again).

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

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