I wrote a long reflection post about my time in South Africa. But I deleted it. I felt censored. I felt afraid to say the truth of my experience. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even though my feelings were hurt many times on and around the trip. It’s lead me to writing this post instead, one about censorship in writing. Having things to say but not feeling you can say them, for fear of how it will be perceived.
The problem is, we can’t be there sat beside everyone who reads our work to explain what we meant, in case it’s taken the wrong way. “No, I didn’t mean it like that!” Even great writers can have their work read in a multitude of ways. For everyone reads and perceives things in their own way, through their own lens. Their own beliefs and experiences will shape how they read and understand something.
Let me say this plainly, so I’m not taken the wrong way: censorship has its positives. We can’t all go around saying whatever we like without any consequences. We need to be aware of how our words can affect other people. Something you see as harmless, can feel detrimental to someone else.
But it does make it difficult for us writers. We are constantly tripping over our own words, unsure on whether they could be warped into a gun to shoot unintentionally at someone or something. I never want to hurt anyone, even people who hurt me. I know that no one on the SA trip meant to hurt me, but I felt like I couldn’t speak. I felt unseen and unheard. I felt misunderstood and alone and afraid. What I wanted and believed in didn’t matter. And someone in particular spoke words that cut me deeply, words I can’t easily forgive. Yet they did not censor themselves. They just said what they wanted to say.
“An eye for an eye turns the whole world blind,” said Gandhi. So I do not seek to hurt them back for having upset me. But I do feel a sense of injustice that they got away with it. That they may continue to get away with it.
Part of my 2023 intentions is to speak my truth. To have opinions and beliefs and not be afraid to voice them. But even in doing so, we must (in our speech and our writing) be compassionate and aware of our words. Words are only so powerful and beautiful because they have meaning. We can’t go recklessly throwing them around, uncaring of their sharp edges. Part of the problem of today is too many people say whatever they like online, without consequence.
I will not add to that rambling nonsense.
So censorship is a bitch. Even swearing on my blog feels icky! But I can’t live my life walking on eggshells, afraid to offend and upset or rock the boat. Some boats need rocking. Some boats need capsizing. But I’ll pick my battles, knowing that it’s not only me who could get hurt if I say the wrong thing. For now, I’ll remain silent. But know that words bubble beneath my surface.
Sincerely,
S. xx
S. R. Crawford 