I’m a bit lazy
I’m hardworking and a trier, this is true. But I’m also lazy. If people ever want to “do things” I often can’t be bothered to. This is why I’m unfit. This is why I’m socially inept (among other reasons). I’d just rather stay sat on the sofa or lying in bed. I help around the house, but it takes a lot of effort for me to do it. I’m productive but from the comfort of a chair!
The story of why I left university
I left university because I didn’t want to be there. We can psychoanalyse all the other contributions to my decision to drop out, but the main reason and the reason why I’ve never returned is: I just didn’t want to be there. That’s the truth of it.
I know people who know me have guessed at it. I know I’ve questioned myself, too. But when I really think about it and I’m honest with myself: I just didn’t want to be there.
I’m not too comfortable with being around lots of people. I didn’t join for the social aspect, as I didn’t live at university, party, or join clubs. I didn’t make many real friends while I was there. I felt alone.
I, like many people, don’t enjoy exams, revision, and crammed learning. I didn’t like the fact that I was paying so much to learn from a PowerPoint presentation and essentially teach myself. I just wanted to write my own things instead of doing the work.
And I know that for my big life goals and dreams (of being an author), I do not need a degree. So, if I wasn’t there for the social aspect, I wasn’t there because I needed a certain qualification, and I wasn’t there because I enjoyed that particular method of learning, then why be there?
I didn’t want to be there, simple. (And yes, this is half me admitting this to myself once and for all).
I have trust issues
I find it hard to trust people. At times, I don’t even trust my family or my partner as much as I should. It’s not that I think they’ll hurt me, it’s just that I think people are very complicated and sh*t happens. I don’t trust that everyone does what they say they will, feels how they say they feel, or anything else. And so, I find it hard to trust.
I’m jealous and insecure
I get jealous of my brother for being much smarter than myself. I get jealous of my sister because she’s very lucky and likeable and charismatic; the same goes for my boyfriend. I get jealous of my friends for having good degrees and making more money than I do. I’m prone to jealousy; I try to combat it, but it isn’t easy.
I also have a long list of insecurities about myself and my life that creep up and manifest in a horrid number of ways, i.e. as jealousy.
I’m lost and confused
Most of the time, I don’t really know what I’m doing. Or rather, I know what I’m doing and why, I just don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. I have a lot of self-doubt and worries. I often feel like I’m in a crisis of Self.
To be honest, I don’t know if I’m on the right path, or if I’ve made lots of mistakes, or if I’m completely missing the point altogether. I do not, as they say, have my sh*t together!
Things I will never have to “admit” or “confess” because they’re not a dirty, shameful secret:
- I have Social Anxiety
- I have suffered from Depression 4 times (that I know of and sought help for)
- I’m a highly sensitive person
- I’m an emotional person
- I’m introverted and prefer to be alone
Media outlets, stop saying that celebs “admit” or “confess” to mental health issues. It’s not something that needs admitting; it’s not a huge breaking story. It’s not a dirty gossip headline. Just stop. Let’s use the right language to avoid stigma, confusion, shame, isolation, and miseducation.
There’s a lot that we all could “admit” to, but I don’t think we should be so ashamed of our shame. Life, as I say, is complicated; people are complicated. If we all beat ourselves up for being imperfect, making mistakes, or feeling bad things, then we would all be black and blue.
So, let’s skip it.
Love yourself in your entirety, and don’t let anyone prey on your pitfalls. Happy Valentine’s Day!