Avant-garde:
I’ve never really been one to do things
the right way.
The normal way.
No.
I break rules, not because I’m a rebel
but because the rules just don’t suit
me.
Is that wrong?
I’m sorry.
I’ve always been so sorry,
for being this way.
But not anymore.
I can’t keep apologising for
feeling the way I feel.
For seeing the world slightly differently
to you.
And I say “slightly” because it is
slight.
Just a small tilt of the head,
and you see what I see.
We’re not so different,
you and I.
But this year, finally, I want to try and be me.
I want to embrace the
unconventionality that I was born with.
Published author at 18?
Ok, yeah, that’s me!
I’m not ashamed of it, anymore.
So what? I tried, hard, to make my
dreams come true
as soon as I could.
I strived to be the very best:
An author like J.K. or an athlete like Kelly.
Nothing less, for me!
While the kids were out drinking in the park,
experimenting with their sexuality,
seeing how many bottles they could empty
before their stomachs
emptied,
I stayed home. I wrote stories.
University?
Oh yes, please!
I was ready. I was born for this.
Huge lecture halls, inspiring professors,
knowledge within every wall.
I was ready, but I was wrong.
University wasn’t what I wanted it to be.
It wasn’t for me.
And yes, I was brave enough to see that.
I was brave enough to do the outrageous thing:
to leave.
I’ve drifted since then.
I’ve been scared and unsure.
Was it wrong not to go back,
sooner?
While I was young and free?
I don’t know…
But this girl, she couldn’t do the easy thing!
Now, she tries again,
in her own way.
Self-employed at 23, wow!
Bust at 24…
Yikes!
But hey, you know, I tried.
I’m proud,
to have failed at something big.
Unconventional woman,
you fail a lot!
How brave you must be to do that!
How strange that you keep trying…
And how odd, it is, that even when you weren’t a student,
You still studied…
Why?
You read books and teach yourself new things.
Languages, histories, myths and philosophy.
You wrote essays, silly girl; you didn’t have to!
But you did.
You use your brain because you want to.
Asking questions, seeking answers,
even now.
And you wrote about every enlightenment;
Educator, you just had to share!
So excited by life and revelation.
Extending a helping hand, always.
Oh, but how you struggled.
You worked jobs you hated…
But you wrote in secret on your shifts!
Good girl.
And your eating problems,
your social anxiety,
who could fix it
but you?
So strong, so brave.
You did it!
Introverted and proud.
Not just any: an INFJ!
You’re in the lowest percentage, baby!
You’re unique.
Why did you ever,
ever,
try to be the same as the rest of them?
Why did you shrink? Hide? Fear?
You were born this way
for a reason.
You were born to do things
your way.
Pave your path
and then walk it, head held high.
S. R. Crawford 