Anxiety and depression have stopped me from…
- Sleeping: some people sleep too much with A & D, I slept too little; dangerously little, in fact
- Eating: loss of appetite, not wanting to eat around others, feeling dissatisfied with food and hating the act of eating like it was a chore I had to force myself to do
- Speaking: I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I’d hate being asked if I was OK because I wasn’t but I didn’t know how to express that, or if anyone would care or understand enough
- Having healthy relationships: because how can you have healthy relationships (romantically and family and friends) if you’re constantly cancelling on people? If you never want to go out or do anything fun? If you are snappy and irritable and generally hard to be around? If you’re so sad that it poisons the whole room? If you just talk about sad things in people’s company? If you’re crying all the time? If you say the words “I hate myself, I hate my life, I don’t want to live“…
- Finding love: of course, how can you in this state? How can you love someone else, support someone else, when you hate yourself?
- Leaving the house: nope, the bed is the only safe space. People in the outside world are just noise adding to your pain. Or, you’re in a bubble blocking them out anyway, so might as well stay in your house
- Leaving my bed: as I said, the bed is the only safe space
- Wearing nice clothes or any makeup: in these episodic states, you never want to take care of yourself or care about your appearance because it comes with a lot of self-loathing. And if you hate yourself, why would you want to look good? What’s the point, right?
- Sharing my writing: I wrote when I was ill, and I write when I’m anxious, but I don’t want to share it as much. I’m either writing really depressive stuff that feels too bleak and raw to share, or I just hate what I’ve written, and so it’s not good enough to share. It’s too scary to share it and put myself on display like that.
- Progressing: it limits your motivation. It makes you slow and you feel like your pursuits are no longer important, because you’re a failure, or because life is meaningless, or because you’re not good enough to complete a task.
- Looking after me: I don’t want to eat, sleep, talk to people, exercise, write, read, shower, get out of bed, or live in general. When I’ve been in bad depression or anxiety states, I put my life on hold and just sink into the depths of their abyss.
Anxiety and depression made me…
- Angry: at myself, at those around me (unjustly), and particularly at life in general for dealing me a bad hand.
- Sad: it may seem obvious that depression has made me sad, but not everyone experiences it in the same way, remember? For me, it was a lot of sadness. I kept looking back through the pages of my life and seeing only the sadness. Even the good things were sad because they were gone. And when I’m anxious, I’m very sad. I see life through a blurry lens that ruins everything.
- Catastrophise: at one point when I was depressed, I literally began grieving for the loss of my mother and my grandparents…but they’re not dead. They’re not ill, or soon going to die. But I felt like they were dying or dead and I couldn’t get over it. I was panicking and crying and I felt like I had a hole in my chest. I’d speak about it to my mom, and she’d reason with me that it was all silly. That they would die eventually, yes, but they’re all alive and well and all I can do is love them now. And I’d feel better, until the next day when it felt like they were dead all over again.
- Paranoid: you feel as though people hate you, that you’re being annoying or a downer. You start to “read people’s minds” and, of course, believe the very worst of the worst. You see blackness in every situation. Each day feels wrong, even if it was generally a good day in anyone else’s mind.
- Isolated: you cut yourself off from people because you sink into your own bleak mind. You feel alone because no one could understand (even though they do).
- Uninterested: you lose the desire to do anything you used to love. I found less and less entertainment from TV and films during my episodes. I’m in my head, and it’s dark, but I can’t seem to get out in order to enjoy anything.
- Boring: I hate this word. I’ve had arguments with my partner when he’s jokingly called me boring, because I hate the word. The reason I hate it is because I fear that I am boring. That I have nothing interesting to say or share and I never do anything worthwhile (in the eyes of others). It took going to therapy for me to realise that it is the core belief that I am “boring” which has initially caused my social anxiety and low self-esteem now. But the anxiety and depression are what has made me, in fact, “boring” because it makes you so dormant. So, I recognise that I (me, myself) am not boring, the only boring thing about me is when anxiety or depression take over and force me to be so.
This is how anxiety and depression (in short) have affected me and my life. How has it affected you? Has this helped you better understand the illnesses? Let me know.
Take care, and read my follow up post about how I’ve combated these things and the affects of anxiety and depression.
If you need any help in bettering your mental health, or better coping with anxiety, depression, and stress, then my book “You’re As Mad As I Am” may be for you. Check it out here, and download a free sample to see what it’s all about.
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