When I started thinking about my New Year theme (vibe, intentions, guiding motto), I was sure it was going to be, “being a student of life again”. And it still is important to me, and a focus for me, but I have a stronger more central and wholesome theme now:
to root down and settle into who and where I am right now.
To feel safe and comfortable and rooted in my life for once! To be at peace with where I’m at and who I am in my life without the desire to escape.
You see, in my adulthood so far, I’ve nearly always had this sense of needing to escape. This is because of my anxiety in general, being at university and then dropping out and questioning who I am and what to do. Then being unhappy in jobs. Different friendship groups. Not being sure about what to pursue. Not having money…
I’ve just never been settled and sure about things…ever. There’s always been something wrong, basically; or something being wrong has made me feel uncomfortable and anxious about everything else in my life.
What it looks like to root into my life
This means I want to just relax and finally feel less agitated. To know, at least for now, that I’m happy where I’m at and with who I am. I have a job with opportunities for progression; one where I use my natural skills and help people.
I make enough money to live with my fiancé and make a home for us. I want to be able to feel at home in my home, which is not the case with this house. We want to move again and I want to find a place that we can settle into until we can afford to buy later in life.
And lastly, my relationships. I want to accept and nurture the new dynamics of my closest relationships. I don’t live at home anymore, so there’s a new dynamic to my relationship with my mom and my sister. I need to be there for them, enjoy their company, while having my own space and free time now. And with my brother and his wife, they will have their baby here with us any day now. I need to learn how to be an amazing aunty and be there for them when they need me.
And my fiancé! I haven’t been a fiancé before! It’s a new level to our relationship and commitment, which scares me a lot. I want to be comfortable with this new level. I want to be happy and planning our wedding without running away! I’ve been with Patrick for 6 years, which is no short time. That’s nearly all of my adulthood! The main part of my adulthood, anyway.
That means we’ve been through a lot of change personally and physically. We’ve had different jobs and incomes, been students and not students, changed our hair, made new friends, been abroad on adventures, learned new skills and knowledge, lived together, got a dog together, cooked new things together, laughed and cried together, got fatter together!
He’s my partner is more ways than one; he’s my sidekick and my hero…
But I have had doubts and fears and picked apart him, myself, and us. I think anyone who knows me wouldn’t be surprised to hear that. As an anxious person, someone with a turbulent personality type (MBTI test), I do analyse and get anxious about my life a lot. Sadly, this extends to my relationship.
However, as I say, 6 years later, we’re still here. I’ve picked us apart and stayed because I can’t deny, no matter how hard my anxious brain tells me to, the power of our relationship. How great we are together; how good he is for me and to me. To ever end that relationship would be self-sabotage due to the fear of commitment, simple.
I want to work on that fear of commitment this year. Work on my insecurities. As usual, work on my mental health and anxiety triggers, so that I can walk down the aisle and into the arms of the man I’ve depended on for all my adulthood.
So, yeah…I want to root down. To be a tree, not a panicky chicken bumbling around unsure about everything! Trees grow upwards and bloom but first, they need to root down into the ground, growing beneath the surface. I want to feel settled into myself more now that my outside chaos is a little more organised and stable. Beautiful home, beautiful relationships, beautiful expressions of self…
Happy New Year again!