Someone told me that they don’t feel in control of their life right now and this hit me. I think we all have times when we don’t feel in control or as if everything is decided for us. Since speaking with them, I’ve been reflecting on our sense of control and I just happened to watch this video by Unjaded Jade, which I feel perfectly links to this idea.
(Give it a watch if you’re interested)
Ask yourself
- Are you too focused on yourself? Trying to hyper-control everything?
- What is it you think you’re supposed to be “in control” of?
- Is there something or someone in particular taking your agency, freewill, decision-making, or autonomy away?
- Have you worked on your areas of control? Pictured below:
Novelty & Decision-Making
When we don’t feel in control of our lives, outside of extremes, it’s likely due to a lack of novelty and decision-making. Everything in our lives is either automated or decided for us. We become used to the same old things.
Everything has become routine, boring, scheduled, decided for you
This could be called Normalisation (becomes normal) and Desensitisation (cause to react less strongly to stimuli). When something is new or novel, we don’t normalise it in our minds so we are more alert, attentive, interested, or triggered by it (depending on what the thing is). However, when something is normalised, routine, it requires less brain-power. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s expected.
We are a generation that is desensitised to some extreme things. How we can watch gratuitous violence on television without flinching. See war zones on our Instagram and scroll onto AI-generated pictures and videos about which Friends character you are most like.
Things have become normal that never should have been
Defamiliarize = make (something) unfamiliar or strange; “art serves to defamiliarize our experience of our own present”
To counteract our normalised, desensitised, bored, and powerless minds, we need to defamiliarize ourselves with our lives and what we’re exposed to. If you keep seeing things, even awful things, it becomes your norm. If you stop exposing yourself to those things, they become less normal. The same if true for novelty. If you expose yourself to new things, they aren’t yet normal to you, so you’re not desensitised, you’re not familiar, and so it feels like you’re in control again.
You choose to shift what is normal for you, that’s true control
With all this in mind, here are my ideas for how to feel a sense of control over your life again:
Routine Change
This is the most obvious and important way to feel in control of your life again.
- Journey to work – Could you take a different route? Get off the bus a stop ealier? Walk, run, bike, train; mix it up
- Bedtime and wake time – wake an hour earlier or sleep an hour later (or earlier) and see how that feels
- What you eat – change up what your go-to breakfast or lunch is
- What you wear – try a new outfit combination you haven’t before
- When or how you exercise – try a different workout routine, or switch up the days you do your set workouts
- What you read – try a new genre; read in a new place (try in a cafe or a park); read at a different time of the day
Art
Whether it’s making art or exposing yourself to it, art is a great way to encourage your mind to see the world differently. Art takes the world and reshapes it. We can all look at the same work of art or read the same book and all take different things from it. The meaning is interpreted differently.
But we can also actively choose to engage with art differently. What we choose to read; choosing to visit an art gallery or museum; what you choose to watch; and trying to read Substack posts. Expose yourself to all kinds of self-expression to see what it does to you. What you engage with shapes how you think.
Join a club
I recently joined a book club and this has added a little something to my routine. A place to go; a third space almost, but a new community.
Community, loneliness, alienation and individualism = feeling out of control of one’s life because it feels like a you problem.
- Mixes up who you are interacting with
- Gives you something new to do in your free time
- Helps to engage your brain in new ways
- Novelty of something new initially when it’s fresh
- If it’s a book club like me, there will be a new book each month for you to think about and discuss, thus novelty of something new
Delegate or Ask for Help
Perhaps there are some tasks in your life that are making you feel out of control. Take a look at your responsibilities, duties, jobs, etc that you need to do each day, week, month, quarter. Are there any areas where you can ask someone else to complete that task? Even if it’s only temporary?
- Switch nap time or wake up duties for your kids with your partner
- Ask your partner or housemate to make dinner if you’re feeling bored of it right now, and you can clean up after instead (or vice versa)
- Ask your boss for a different set of tasks (for example, in my job we are given task lists each day, so I could ask for another task for a while to help mix things up)
Do it a new way
We all have to work or brush our teeth or take care of the kids, but we can choose to do the non-negotiables in a different way than we usually would.
- Could you move your work desk?
- Change up your workspace?
- Do mini exercises while tending to basic hygiene? (squats when brushing your teeth)
- Play with the kids in an energising manner so you’re getting in your exercise too?
- Listen to a new podcast while you work or audiobooks?
- Change how you get your exercise
- Gym girly? Go outside for runs or join a fitness class or sport club (vice versa)
- Travel to work or pick up the kids on a new route
- Write your story in a different font or colour or using a new system
Learn & Upskill
A great way to feel in control of your life again could be to choose to become a beginner again. The beginner realm ensures we literally can’t find it mundane or routine, because it’s entirely new to us! It’s a win-win because you’re learning new skills while also feeling more in control and getting a dopamine hit from the novelty of something new.
Attitude of Curiosity, Humour & Gratitude
Lastly, it is crucial to pay attention to your attitude / mindset for life right now. Through which lens are you looking at things? This is why I asked some questions first, because sometimes our feeling of being out of control is all mental. Therefore, we could do so much for ourselves by simply shifting our focus and working on our mindset.
Curiosity / Imagination = can you look at your life, a new day, a task (etc) with curiosity? I wonder if I can… How would it work if I… What would happen if I…
Humour = can you look at your life with some humour? I forgot to buy milk, how hilarious! I woke up late, that’s so me! I’m stuck in traffic again, at least the music is good! Karen missed deadline, what a wally!
Gratitude = can you look at your life from a place of gratitude for what you have? How lucky am I to wake up to healthy energetic kids! I am so fortunate to have a well-paid job in a difficult time. Looking at my home, I know I am blessed!
These are little mindset shifts but boy are they mighty! It will take practice but over time these thoughts will become more natural and create new neural pathways in your brain, making it easier for you to keep thinking this way. Take back control by shifting your focus and appreciation for what you have.
If everyone put their problems into a bucket, I bet I’d reach back in to grab mine
Sincerely,
S. xx
