I have a buzzcut now. This is a massive change from the head of curly hair I’ve had for years. But I’ve thought about a “big chop” for ages now. Finally, I felt brave enough and took the plunge!
I decided not to share a fundraising page before shaving my head because that would give the wrong impression. I am not shaving my head in solidarity with cancer patients or anything. It’s because I want to go on this journey of rebuilding and reclaiming this year.
However, it seemed only right to donate my hair and money to cancer charities and support for cancer patients anyway. Some child somewhere with cancer going through life-altering treatment needs my hair more than I do.
My dad died from cancer when I was a little girl. Every memory I have of him are when he was sick. Bald, skinny, wrinkled. But I won’t lie and say I did this for him. Or for anyone else. I did it for me.
If you wish to give money towards the support of cancer patients and their families under my link, here it is: https://bravetheshave.macmillan.org.uk/shavers/82118baf-a969-4612-b295-ef4eb2d93d64
Why I shaved my hair off
The first reason was simple. I wanted to put my life on easy mode! Hair is a big deal. When it’s Afro-Caribbean curly and thick, it’s a real hassle. It can take so long just to wash my hair. The amount of money I’ve wasted trying to find the right products. The amount of time and energy on wash days. Seeking advice so I can better nurture my curls, only for them to feel less than I’d hoped. It’s draining. It really is.
The second reason is for my hair’s health. I straightened my hair for years when I was younger. I only went full curly in adulthood and even then, I would sometimes get bored or frustrated so I would straighten it again. The heat damage from just one straightening is awful for naturally curly hair. I also have braids in my hair sometimes, which is great but I lose a lot of hair when I take them out. This means that my hair hasn’t always been healthy. While I definitely got it to a healthier stage, I still felt frustrated with it. Different textures all over my head. It grew at different speeds. The undercut in 2024 helped with this issue, but then I didn’t know how to style it right with the curls on top! I felt like I was back at square one.
The last reason is for my confidence in my sexuality and womanhood. By this I mean, with my curly hair I often didn’t feel sexy at all. I didn’t feel like an adult woman! I felt like a teenager and the amount of times I’ve had my ID checked shows I look much younger than I am! I love being mistaken for being young, but I want to feel like a woman, not a child. When I have braids, I feel my most beautiful, adult and confident. But I can’t have those all the time. So this felt like a way to reclaim my womanhood, my sexuality, my confidence.
What I was going for
How it’s going so far…
The process of doing it was horrific. I felt so vulnerable; I looked at myself in the mirror and instantly regretted it! What had I done??? There’s no going back. I felt ugly. No offence meant, but I looked like an army cadet or prisoner! I felt so stupid for doing it.
No more hiding.
I want to skip to the part when it doesn’t feel foreign anymore! It’s the discomfort of being new at something or something about you being perceived as new that is what we run from. I hate the feeling of unease that comes with something new. And this is something new. Something very jarring that I’ve yet to get used to. That’s why I had a massive panic attack on the Sunday evening after it was done. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t move. I was shivering / shaking on the sofa, afraid to move in case I threw up. My poor husband had to feed me small pieces of toast to help me survive the night. Thankfully, I had my sleeping tablets (an antihistamine designed for insomnia relief) to help me sleep that night.
The next day, I didn’t even look at myself in the morning. I was too scared! I felt emotionally raw. When my husband went to work for the day, I cried. I cried when telling my work colleagues. I was so scared. I was grieving.
Grieving what, you may ask? What’s the big deal? Hair is tied to our identity. Not everyone, but many of us. I was the curly-haired one. Some students at the school I worked at called me “Mrs Curl-ford” for crying out loud!! So not only was I mourning the loss of the physical curls, but also a part of who I was. Mourning so much, really…
- Sense of safety behind my hair
- My comfort zone
- Normality
- Feminine expectations
- My pretty curls
- My fringe to hide my forehead
- Something to play with
- Familiarity
And it hurt at first. It hurt a lot.
But after seeing my best friend and talking it through, I felt lighter. I was able to eat lunch and dinner. Coming to the office the following day was a little nerve-wracking but not much. I walked in with my heart racing but then no one said anything. I got nice messages and one colleague whispered, ‘I know you didn’t want attention but you look incredible!‘ I dressed nicely and put on makeup and big earrings and yeah, I felt beautiful…
What this truly means for me
I means I’ve kept a promise to myself. I said I was going to do something and here I am, doing it. That’s powerful stuff. That’s energy-shifting, life-altering magic that I’ve gifted myself. I said I’d try this out once I didn’t work in a school anymore (kids are ruthless, don’t need that attention and criticism when feeling vulnerable!!), and I did. It’s so easy to say something, but quite another to actually do it.
It means free, liberation and cleansing. It’s a sort of spiritual healing as well as physical. It’s peeling back the heavy layers of decades of anxiety and fulfilling other people’s expectations and social norms, to then say, “here I am underneath it all, take it or leave it“.
It means the gift of time and energy. Time and energy to care about other things rather than my hair. The time it used to take to make my hair look “presentable” or “nice” can now be spent on other areas. I can reclaim my mornings, my peace.
It means acceptance. Accepting that my face is on show and I can’t hide it anymore. Accepting every spot, wrinkle, double chin, untamed eyebrow hair, mole, freckle, blackhead, tired under eyes and dried lips. Accepting it all because they are natural. They are a part of living as a human, especially a person with a hormonal cycle. I have to accept because I can no longer run and that’s scary but also empowering.
It’s still new but I’m getting used to it. I love the ease, like I wanted. I feel sophisticated and cool. I definitely feel like a brave person! The coolest person I know!
If you wish to give money towards supporting cancer patients and their families under my link, here it is: https://bravetheshave.macmillan.org.uk/shavers/82118baf-a969-4612-b295-ef4eb2d93d64
Sincerely,
S. xx
S. R. Crawford 