I got sick this weekend. Food poisoning, for the first time in my life. Not fun. Very quickly, my mental health dipped and I went to a dark place. In just a day. It’s times like this when you are made painfully aware of how not okay you really are. That just because you’re smiling and moving through the motions, doesn’t mean beneath the surface everything is rosy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe we can truly be perfect or anything. I’m not seeking the day when I am unaffected by everything, like a Zen master (though that would be awesome). Instead, I think it’s just helped me remember the root of my fears, beliefs, and issues.
Lack of freedom.
I’m not unique in this. A lot of people want to be free. But freedom looks different to each of us. A person who is literally imprisoned seeks the freedom of the outside world. A person forced into a marriage or to work instead of getting an education seeks freedom of choice. People in war-torn countries seek the freedom of safety. I feel grateful and recognise my privilege to not have those circumstances to struggle against myself.
When I think about all the areas I get myself worked up, it comes down to feeling limited or trapped (or assuming I will feel limited or trapped). I become too zoomed in and focused on the issue, to the point of fighting it and myself black and blue. When in reality, I need to zoom out and consider ways in which I don’t feel free and what freedom would look like for me. This would then help me to feel clearer about the choices in front of me.
Ways I don’t feel free
- Having to work 8-4 every day on someone else’s schedule
- Not having enough money for all the things I want to do or have (travel, my own home to shape)
- Having no wealth/ assets, investments, or disposable income
- Not being able to do what I love for a living
- Societal expectations: marriage, kids, house, car, fancy job title…
- Time restrictions on my art
- My mental health is susceptible to fall
- Living in a poorer, less safe area
- Cruelty in our world weighing on my heart
- So many things demanding my attention
What freedom looks like for me:
- Being able to manage my own time
- Making a living doing what I love (telling stories)
- Feeling financially secure because we don’t live paycheck to paycheck and have assets
- Ability to do what I need and want because my body is strong (good overall health and fitness)
- Having the option to travel because my time and money aren’t restricted as much
- Feeling more confident and having support around me so my mental health isn’t as fragile
- Feeling seen and understood by those around me so I am free to be myself without hiding
- People close to me accept my life choices without judgment
- Not feeling the need to rush and hustle to be living a good life/ slow, peaceful living
At the end of the day, freedom is about choice
This helps me to set a map to freedom! Where to pour my energy and focus so that I can feel freer in my life. It boils down to four areas for me:
- Health (mind, body, emotions, social, spirit)
- Wealth
- Creative choice
- Environment and Society
I’m not going to go into too much detail, as my true and deep thoughts on this topic are private and involve other people. However, I know that I need to keep looking after myself (intermediate yoga, meditations, strength training, running, counselling sessions, taking Kalms, sleeping well, prioritising whole foods and plants); building my income doing what I love (selling stories online, write novels and get an agent, continue working in a school so I have the free time to write and build my craft); save better and be frugal where I can so my money goes further for us; and lastly, to move from my hometown to a place more fitting with my future and my goals.
A big area of work for me is the internal, though. So much of self-development and changing your life looks like the external: going to the gym, eating veggies, and reading. But if you never work on the internal, your life will never truly change. You will keep having breakdowns like I do, where I’m reminded that internally, I am struggling. This means some serious self-work needs to be done. Journalling deeply, seeing my counsellor regularly, meditating for longer so I sit with myself, taking beliefs and past experiences and unraveling them.
This takes time. To escape the cages we have built for ourselves over the years, we must slowly chip away and dig and bend the bars while concentrating on the light filtering in through them. There is light. There is freedom. And no, it may never look like what we envision for ourselves, but even if we come close, our lives will be all the better for it.
I invite you, if it serves, to ask yourself where you don’t feel free in your life and ways you could chart a journey towards more freedom.
Sincerely,
S. xx
S. R. Crawford 