My toxic best friend (rumination)

Oh anxiety, the toxic friend who doesn’t understand that you don’t want to hang out with her anymore. She cares about you. Wants the best for you. But she doesn’t realise that all the screaming about the coming of wolves and eagles, is bringing the wolves and eagles to us. I tell her to shut up. She’s wrong. Nothings wrong. But she doesn’t listen. She’s too busy talking over me. Loud, loud, louder. She’s a right busybody. Always getting in other peoples business. Thinks she’s a mind reader! Can you really foresee the future? I don’t think so. But she’s really convincing. She’s articulate and intelligent and like I said, she wants to protect me and so I can’t help but listen to her. She makes some good points. That if I’m not careful I’ll mess up my life. That people don’t like me. That I’ll be alone forever. That I can’t do hard things. That life will consume me. And she’s right until she’s wrong, that’s the thing. And even though I prove her wrong she still comes back with her vicious whispers in my ear. And I’m the stupid one so of course she’s right. And she’s my best friend, isn’t she? No one is there for me like she is. She keeps me warm in the winter. Makes my heart beat fast. Fills my belly. It’s not a nice feeling but at least I feel something, right? Gos how long have we been friends now? I think since secondary school. But a bit before then. Maybe she comforted me after dad died. Maybe she was friends with my mom, brother and sister too. A family friend, you know? That’s what makes it awkward. Like how do you make her leave you alone when she’s always been there? Through the hard times and the good. I can’t imagine my life without her, though I dream of it. The ease. The ease. The clear breaths. The ease. Would she be lonely without me? I’m sure she’d find another friend. There’s plenty like me. Sadly. I think she’s popular. Yet people don’t see her when she’s with me. Just me. And they don’t like what they see. But she does. She tells me if I just stay with her in the dark that I’ll be safe. Safest. Just me, her and the dark. Just us and the dark. And yeah it’s cold and dark but I’m safe in that corner of the world. Away from the beauty that’s too much for me to handle. Away from responsibility that I’d surely mess up. Away from loved ones who will die anyway. Away from pain. Away from joy. Away from anything other than her and the dark. Yeah. That’s what she wants, my toxic best friend. I just hope…I hope I can keep over here, in the light, with the joy and the people and the things without her being too loud. But she’s loud. God she SHOUTS. Always SHOUTING. Leave me alone, would you? Just leave already.