Anyone who suffers with their confidence has some sort of story playing on repeat in their heads. And this isn’t the good kind of story. It’s lies, twisted truths, whispering limits, and screaming internal fears.
It’s a story that boils down to one thing: I’m not good enough.
A conspiracy theory is a story with very little information or evidence, but we’ve filled in the blanks with our own babble, then came to a “logical” conclusion. A dangerous, false idea that we then cling to!
I bet you can think of a time in your life when you have believed a conspiracy theory with all your heart, and then was shocked or embarrassed to discover that it wasn’t true (or entirely true).
This is the same with whatever story you’ve been telling yourself about your life, your confidence, and who you are.
I think it’s important to become self-aware and intentional about seeking out where the gaps in our knowledge are. Finding those spaces between the truth that we subconsciously filled in to come to some very hurtful and warped ideas about our reality.
Lies on perfection
There are a few frequent lies we tell ourselves about perfection or worthiness.
You have to be perfect to be worthy.
Everyone else has it together and we don’t
Other people get to determine our value
Material gain and outward success is all that matters
Lies, lies, lies!
You are worthy, right now at this moment.
More often than not, none of us has it all together.
No one else gets to determine your value but you. If they don’t see it, forget them.
Inner peace and happiness should far outweigh any outward appearance. Money and material things won’t bring you fulfilment.
We are our choices
What are you subconsciously choosing in your life? Because one of the greatest stories we tell ourselves is that we are at the mercy of the universe; shit happens to us on a personal level and we have no control over it.
But the truth is, we are our choices. Don’t like something? Choose to change it. Choose to not choose it anymore. Easier said than done, but everything starts with an authentic, strong decision/choice about what we want and who we are choosing to be.
Shit happens, yes, but we get to choose how we deal with it. Roll in it and stink for life, or hop in the shower, change your clothes, and make that experience mean something.
The hardships and the pain is not a life sentence.
It wasn’t put in our path for us to live there forever. Either it’s teaching you something, guiding you, testing you, strengthening your resolve, or reminding you that you’re human.
Either way, you can choose to take a new path, to get back up, to build anew, or walk away. Whatever it is, we do get to choose.
Here are some thoughts on the most common lies and stories we tell ourselves about our lives, ourselves, and our ability to be confident:
I’m just not a confident person
I used to say this all the time. I bet I’ll say this a few more times, actually. But I know now that it’s just not true.
Sure, we can feel unconfident in certain situations or around certain people and places, but that does not mean that overall, we are not confident people.
I am a confident person, but in highly social situations or around big personalities and extroverts, my confidence dips. I accept that, I’m working on that, but I know that I am a confident person.
And perhaps so are you.
Even if you feel you have real evidence to suggest that you’re unconfident more than confident, that doesn’t mean you should just roll over and accept that.
You are able to work on your confidence!
It’s a muscle, a practice. And this is what the Confidence Challenge is all about.
I’m stuck, I’m hopeless
That we are fixed or doomed and it’s too late for us. Some of us believe that we are beyond help. That we can’t change or grow. That we’ve tried before and it just doesn’t work.
Many older people think like this. They think they are “set in their ways” and can never move forward. Or that too much shit has happened and they are buried under it all.
The truth is, yeah, it might be more difficult for older people or someone with more baggage to change their lives and feel good and confident about themselves. But the keywords there are “more difficult“, as in, it’s not impossible.
It’s about choosing better for yourself. Accepting that it may be a challenge, but to recognise that what you’re dealing with now is not working, so isn’t it better to choose better despite the challenge along the way, in the hope of finally reaching that place out of the pain that you’ve always wanted?
Get help. Learn. Experiment. Let go of what others think (they may judge or try to hold you back). And decide that you are worth the effort.
I don’t deserve it
Some people believe that they don’t deserve success. That they didn’t work hard enough. That they lack something. That this person over there deserves it more.
Despite what we’re told, there’s plenty of room at the table for all of us. For all of us to be our best selves, go after life, be successful and happy (to our own standards) and just do our thing.
And despite what you may have been told, you do deserve it. Because you’re worthy and perfect as is.
Tell yourself this every damn day until you believe it!
I have anxiety or depression
I’ll keep this short. Anxiety and Depression are mental illnesses, not a mood or temperament or personality trait. That means anyone can get ill with these, the same as the common cold or cancer or whatever else.
Being ill doesn’t mean you aren’t a confident person underneath it all. The mental illness will lie to you right now, but by seeking help and working on getting better, you will realise that you (the real, healthy you) is a confident badass mo’fo in reality.
I’m too introverted
Introversion is a temperament. A personality trait. It means you gain energy from your internal world (introspection, ideas, meaning, thinking, learning). It means you’re more comfortable, happy and fuelled in smaller groups and being alone.
This does not mean that introverts lack confidence!
I’m an introvert and I’m a confident person.
Confidence means trusting yourself, knowing yourself, and loving yourself. Confidence actually has nothing to do with socialising, being in crowds, being loud or talkative or being more extroverted.
Don’t get them confused, guys!
There you have it, some thoughts on the stories we tell ourselves. They are lies, I tell you! So tell yourself something new from now on.
Your challenge today, should you choose to accept it, is to write a love letter to yourself!
This week’s worksheet to complete: Confidence Challenge Week Two Worksheet
Speak to you tomorrow, guys, for more from the Confidence Challenge!