Life & Stuff · Poetry

And I’ll Be Fine, Happy Even (poem/journal entry)

*This is a poem, of sorts, but also just a stream of consciousness about the fears and pressures I’ve faced lately…*

We’ll find a house and make it our home. Draped in cosy comforts that feel like ours. It’ll be tiring and imperfect but we’ll make it work. And I’ll be fine, happy even, just like I was for this house before…

The time will come for us to marry. The right people will be there, making it special. We’ll look great and we’ll smile until our mouths hurt. I’ll be Mrs Siana Rose Crawford-Kuduwa, connected to my families and a whole me all my own. The only Crawford-Kuduwa there is, in fact! And I’ll be fine, happy even, as I embrace the same safe and loving partnership that I have now, only one blessed and wholly shared with our names.

And after graduation, after holidays, and a new house; after writing projects and nephew time and experiences shared, we’ll decide that it’s time to extend our family and create new life. I’ll be scared but in a good way. More mature and secure in my life and our marriage, thus ready for this next big step.

I’ll bring my fear with me and it’ll make me prepare, learn, nurture, and nest for our child. The pain is growing pains for mother and child both. We will be one; connected. I haven’t connected deeply with many people, perhaps this will be my chance. My greatest bond. And I’ll be fine, happy even, because baby and I will be in good hands with Patrick, parents, siblings and friends.

Whatever happens after all of this is too far to see and write here. But I’ll trust and I’ll be fine, happy even…

(Beat anxiety with trust. With focused thought. My spiralling fears were overwhelming me but writing this focused them and made everything less scary.)

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