I’m Not OK

Today I went to the top of a small hill in my area. I looked around at the flats, the river, the park, the road and I just had an impulse to scream.

And so I yelled.

I then immediately sat down and hid in case anyone saw me, this maniac screaming on the hill. My dog was with me and he jumped up my leg like, “mommy, are you okay, why you yelling?”

And I just hugged him and sat there a short moment and let myself cry a little. Then I just walked down again and carried on with the walk.

It’s strange because I was having a productive day really. I was walking and listening to an inspiring podcast about creativity and I felt good.

So why did I need to yell? Why did I cry?

I think it’s because generally speaking, I’m not okay right now. Within myself, something is off. Maybe some of my blog posts recently have been a red flag to this. And it’s not something I ever hide.

I guess I just wanted you to know that it’s okay not to be okay.

That if you’re not okay then you’re not alone.

That you can think you’re okay when you’re actually not.

So, yeah, I’m not okay. And that’s okay.

(2 hours later)

I wanted I add this at the end of this post: I feel a lot better now.

I’ve been to the gym, even though I didn’t want to go. I allowed myself to have a cry. I wrote in my journal. And my boyfriend came home with wine and flowers for me.

It’s not so much the gift, it’s the gesture. He’s showing me that he’s recognised that I’ve been low lately and that he’s there for me.

So yeah, just wanted to add that on the end here.

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