Read parts 1, 2, and 3 for the depth and evidence backing my ideas.
What drew me to writing this very long, link-heavy essay on gender identity when I am just a cisgendered woman in a heterosexual, heteronormative relationship? I am an ally, but more than that, I am sick of ignorant conversations by cisgender people who seem obsessed with talking about trans and non-binary people like it’s a joke or a stupid new trend. I wanted to share evidence of nuance across time and cultures around gender. That it’s not new, “woke”, leftist propaganda or Gen Z stupidity. It’s always been here. And it deserves love and openness and intelligence!
Final thoughts / snapshot views
Full disclosure: I have worked on and edited these gender essay posts for over a week and a half. Why? Because once you dive down the rabbit hole, you can’t escape. There’s so many perspectives and information out there on this incredibly nuanced, complicated, and layered topic. My posts and their links barely scratch the surface.
This in itself teaches me that our society may have a strange, unhealthy obsession with defining gender, gender norms, labels, categorisation, and identity binaries. So much so, it divides us, causes us to harm our fellow humans, and cancel celebrities (even though they are just flawed human beings like the rest of us and not gods!).
Gender is without a doubt a social construct. It just is. People think social construct means “made up” but it means it’s a fluid, an ever-changing idea; almost an energy, an entity. It’s an agreed norm that varies across time, languages, cultures and lands. Gender 100% is fluid biologically speaking, culturally speaking, temporally, and philosophically or spiritually speaking.
I strongly, strongly believe in gender fluidity and the lack of strict binaries.
Biological sex on the other hand is, well, biological. And don’t forget that sexuality and sexual identity is different to one’s biological sex. Meaning, having a penis doesn’t make one masculine. Having a vagina doesn’t make one feminine. There are no strict binaries unless we as a society and a specific culture agree upon them as our norm. And who you want to sleep with doesn’t matter at all to what’s in your trousers.
I truly believe that if we held more traditional, atavistic views on gender, like those believed in so many other cultures around the world pre-colonisation, then our issues and difficulties with varying gender identity/ gender expression would not exist. Many children would feel more comfortable knowing there aren’t strict binaries at all. Where they could be seen and celebrated no matter what. Maybe there would be no need for trans individuals at all, I don’t know. In an imagined world where gender wasn’t a be-all end-all, maybe we’d all be much freer.
I do not believe that educating children on transgender people and their need for rights makes them trans! In fact, I think that’s quite a naive belief. Education is important; it’s powerful; it’s a privilege. We all need to be educated on the myriad people and expressions of self that exist in our world. The moment we neglect to educate our children is the moment we let them down and stop protecting them. The dangerous rise of censorship and banning books is wrong. We need to trust our children to be able to engage with a variety of texts and information, without blindly deciding to do things without thought! If you think your child will become trans just by learning what it means, then maybe you already see signs of them questioning their gender/sex assigned to them at birth. If so, be compassionate. Hear them out. Don’t hide this option from them. If not, education will never “corrupt” them! There is no trans agenda! No one is trying to convert children to some gender-changing army!
Sorry for that bit of satire there at the end, but I hope that makes my stance clear. I learned something by researching for this post. I hope you did too.
Education and compassion > judgement and fear mongering.
Additionally, I will say that I don’t agree with the idea that we need to agree with every single thing trans or non-binary folks want. Activism shouldn’t be about excluding allies simply because they have other ideas. For example, I don’t know how we fairly tackle the sports issue, but I still agree with a trans woman’s right to identify as a woman, live as a woman, and be safe in our world. I understand their desire to simply slip right in and integrate into society as a woman and that’s it, but I do see some spaces where that conversation may be a little tougher (especially trans women who are in the beginning of their transition and still may have high levels of testosterone, for example). This does not mean they deserve hate or demonisation and to be seen as a threat just because we struggle to understand. In fact, it’s evidenced that more trans people are threatened and physically or verbally harmed by cis people than the other way around.
*Find more statistics at Statista
Furthermore, just because there is evidence of trans individuals committing sexual or violent crimes, that does not mean that all trans individuals are sexual deviants or violent. Or that they transition simply to commit sexual crimes. Are all white people rapists because some commit rape? No. Are all cis-men rapists because of the large number of male rapists in prison? No. So why would be attach the same logic to this group of people?
Language matters. I hate that people use the words, “I don’t believe in transgender people. I don’t believe in non-binary”, that’s illogical language, in my opinion! You can’t say you don’t believe in something right in front of you! Be honest and use the right language:
You may not understand.
You may lack education on these groups.
You may lack experience with these groups.
You may dislike the groups because they threaten your norm.
Use the right language. And confront what your language might mean on a deeper level.
A trans woman commented on one of my posts on Medium saying that the idea of “meeting in the middle” has undertones of excusing poor behaviour and hateful language. I’m glad she said that and I agree. When discussing topics of which I am an ally and not directly affected, I always bring it back to racism and racial injustice. I wouldn’t say to a racist that it’s okay for them to think I’m less than, but let’s “meet in the middle” and just get along civilly! I’d never say it’s okay to think people of colour are less than as long as you’re not overt about it. I wouldn’t say it’s okay to “want black people to be treated fairly and be safe in our country” but that they can’t have their own publishing houses or star in movies more than white people.
Basically, when I liken it to my personal experiences, I understand on a deeper level why there is little wiggle room for allyship and inclusion.
Lastly, again, you may call me an idealist or a dreamer, but in an ideal world, we would all just be kind when having these conversations. We would sit back and listen to one another as we speak with compassion and honesty and fairness. That we say, “how can I make you feel safe in this life?” and mean it. Because I think a lot of us want to protect our idea of perfect and right and normal so much that we get angry, we stop listening, and we talk with hate and ignorance without even realising it.
That’s why empathy, education and ethics should come first, second, and always.
If you or someone you know has strong (public too) feelings about gender binaries and sex, I urge you to listen to every video I’ve shared, read every article, every book and podcast before you decide. If you’re still not convinced about gender fluidity, I think you’re stuck in a fixed mindset which isn’t healthy at all. Anyone fixed on, and having public, hateful ideas about trans and non-binary people, I urge you to question why. Why really? What are you being falsely conditioned into believing? Who is telling you these stories and what might they gain from you believing it?
And to you haters: What makes you the gender police? Why do you get to decide who a person should be and how? It’s as silly as race ideology, that there’s a right or wrong way to be black! Think, damn it, think!
And breathe!
LGBTQ+ people are safe with me. Please continue to educate me. I don’t know much, but I know you’re all human like me and life is hard enough as it is without us making it unnecessarily harder on one another.
**If you or anyone you know is struggling with the issues discussed in this post, reach out for help here:
https://transactual.org.uk/wellbeing/
https://www.bsmhft.nhs.uk/about-us/news/lgbtq-mental-health-support-information/
Sincerely,
S. xx
S. R. Crawford 